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Agency in a Child? But the child is still very young, largely dependent on adults, often finds it difficult to make choices and decisions. In addition, young children are impulsive and find it difficult to regulate their behaviour.
It is not too early: preschool age is precisely the time when the first shoots of agency appear – a sensitive period for its development.
Briefly, to be a subject means “to live one’s own life.” In other words, to set precisely those goals that allow a person to realise themselves, to “become whole,” and to overcome the inevitable difficulties that arise along the way.
Agency is connected with intrinsic motivation: when a person invents, sets a goal, and brings their intention into reality.
A person with agency:
As we can see, a subject needs:
This is precisely why all abilities – cognitive, communicative, and self-regulatory – are necessary for a person to become a subject.
Agency includes initiative and the ability to bring initiative into realisation. Such realisation always involves overcoming emerging difficulties – external or internal.
The first shoots of agency may be very small.
A real-life example: Masha (4 years old) noticed that the dolls had no towel after their “bath.” She took a napkin, glued a ribbon to it, and announced: “Here is their towel-poncho!” This is precisely a first shoot of subject action: she noticed a problem → found an unconventional solution → implemented it.
The formula of agency is: “I imagined it and I did it, even though it was difficult.”
It is precisely the ability to notice a problem, propose solutions, and implement them that later becomes the basis of agency in adult life and helps a person realise themselves.
Creating something new is always difficult – it is easier to use what already exists and follow a path laid out by others. Being a subject is more difficult. But also more interesting!
Children’s agency manifests itself:
Agency manifests itself wherever the child:
Observe the child’s behaviour during the day and note how often you notice the following manifestations.
In Play
In Experimentation
In Questioning
In Construction and Productive Activity
In Everyday Life
“Agency means disobedience and permissiveness”
In reality, being a subject does not mean doing whatever one wants. It means acting consciously while taking context and consequences into account.
A child with agency may suggest a new rule in a game (“Let’s choose the leader with a counting rhyme today instead of just picking someone!”), while still understanding that traffic rules or the daily routine cannot be broken.
A whim is a demand; initiative is a proposal.
Your task is to help the child distinguish one from the other and channel their energy in a constructive direction.
“A child with agency is inconvenient. They will constantly argue, and it will be impossible to cope with them”
In reality, such a child will ask questions (“Why are we doing it this way?”), but this is not a challenge – it is a genuine interest in how the world works.
Here it is important for the adult not to rely only on authority, but to explain, discuss, and sometimes accept the child’s arguments. This is precisely what it means to raise a thinking person.
“Agency either exists or it does not. It is an innate quality”
In reality, agency develops throughout life, and it can be developed in everyone.
Agency is a quality that can and should be nurtured by creating an environment where the child can safely try things out, make suggestions, make mistakes, and try again.
If your child is afraid to express an idea today, this is not a verdict – it is a point of growth.
“Agency is only needed for people in creative professions”
In reality, agency is needed by every person who wants to realise themselves and find their vocation.
Agency allows a person, in any sphere of life, to carve out their own path and live creatively and with interest.
“The world needs obedient performers. Initiative is only punished”
In reality, this is a consequence of outdated models.
The future world in which our children will live will value precisely the ability to notice problems, think in unconventional ways, and take responsibility.
The opportunity to become the author of one’s own life is a foundation of psychological well-being.
Create opportunities for children’s activities: play, experimentation, construction, drawing, storycrafting, shared reading, and so on.
Agency develops primarily within children’s activities, where children learn to take initiative, pose questions, notice problematic situations, and solve them.
This means that, first of all, children need opportunities for play, experimentation, and questioning.
It is important to support children’s initiative and readiness to act according to their own intentions across all children’s activities.
Children’s activities are the natural “school” of agency.
Offer Choices in Simple Everyday Situations
“Will you ride your bicycle or your scooter?”
Notice and Support Even the Smallest Initiatives
Example.
Child:
– Will this stone sink?
Adult:
– I don’t know. What do you think? Shall we check?
(They throw in the stone, then a stick.)
Adult:
– Interesting, why did one sink and the other not?
Here the adult:
Do Not Rush to Help: Give Time for Independent Attempts
Example: The child is fastening their coat and it is taking a long time.
Adult:
– I can see you’re trying. Try again – I’m here beside you.
At this moment, not only a skill is developing, but also the feeling: “I can do it.”
Help in a way that does not take independence away from the child.
Example: “Would you like to pour the compote from the jug yourself? Let’s think about how to do it so it doesn’t spill. Maybe hold it with both hands?”
It is important to help in ways that do not deprive the child of agency, but rather support it. Maria Montessori formulated a wonderful principle of helping, speaking to adults from the child’s perspective: “Help me to do it myself.”
Involve the child in your own initiative-driven activities by experimenting and trying new things together – in any area that interests both the adult and the child (cooking, fishing, mushroom gathering, and so on).
Discuss and Explain Rules
A child’s agency is supported through regular conversations about rules and everyday situations.
It is important not simply to tell children “how things should be,” but to explore together why things are arranged this way: what stands behind a prohibition and what consequences particular actions may have. Then a rule stops being an external demand and becomes understandable and meaningful.
Of course, not everything can be explained at a preschooler’s level: some rules connected with safety must simply be followed without discussion – for example, on the road or in potentially dangerous situations.
But if everyday life includes dialogue – discussions of events, actions, and decisions – the child gradually begins to feel not merely like an obedient performer, but like a participant and partner who understands, accepts, and over time begins to uphold rules independently.
Situation: The child wants to tie their shoelaces independently, but very slowly.
Typical reaction (blocks agency): “Let me do it faster – we’re late.”
Better response (develops agency): “I can see how hard you’re trying. Let me help a little, and you can tie the final knot yourself.”
Situation: The child suggests having a mixture of porridge and yoghurt for breakfast.
Typical reaction (blocks agency): “Ugh, people don’t eat that. Eat like everyone else.”
Better response (develops agency): “What an unusual experiment! Try it and tell me what it tastes like.
Situation: The child decides to build a tower out of books instead of blocks.
Typical reaction (blocks agency): “Don’t ruin the books – they’re for reading.”
Better response (develops agency): “Will such a tower be stable? Let’s test it. And so the books don’t get damaged, perhaps we can put something soft underneath?”
Where is the boundary between agency and “doing whatever you want”?
Tantrums often frighten parents: it can seem that if you “give in,” the child will insist on getting their way all the time. But it is important to distinguish between a tantrum and agency – they are not the same thing.
A tantrum is: “I want it now,” without considering the situation or other people.
Agency is: “Let’s do it this way,” with an attempt to suggest a solution and influence what is happening.
The adult’s task is not to suppress the child’s persistence, but to guide it into a more mature form.
How can this be done?
First, acknowledge the child’s desire, but do not necessarily agree with it:
“You want another cartoon, I understand. But now it is bedtime.”
Second, establish boundaries calmly and clearly. Children need to see that rules are stable, especially when safety or routines are involved.
Third, turn the tantrum into dialogue:
“You’re upset because you don’t want to leave. Let’s think what we can do: leave now or in five minutes?”
Fourth, provide space for choice wherever possible. When children have real areas of influence, they are less likely to “fight” for them through tantrums.
And finally, it is important to remember:
resistance is not always a problem – often it is the child’s attempt to be heard.
If the adult listens while also maintaining reasonable boundaries, the child gradually learns not simply to insist, but to negotiate, take others into account, and consciously accept rules.
In this way, agency is not destroyed – it becomes more mature.
What if the child chooses the “wrong” thing? Should choices be limited?
Yes, choices always exist within adult-defined boundaries.
The task is not to remove boundaries, but to make them understandable and meaningful.
You can guide children by offering options and discussing consequences – this supports agency rather than suppressing it.
How can we take one child into account without disadvantaging others? What should we do about conflicts?
Agency is not only about following one’s own wishes, but also about learning to take other people’s wishes into account.
Conflicts are an important part of development: children learn to negotiate, listen, and compromise. The point is not to separate children into different corners, but to learn to understand another person.
Help children understand one another. Explain the other child’s intentions and feelings – many conflicts end once it becomes clear that the other person did not intend to hurt you.
I am used to controlling things. How can I change my habits?
It is completely normal to change one’s style gradually.
You do not need to “stop controlling” all at once.
Start with small steps:
Agentic behaviour is not only a way of acting for the child, but also for the adult. Adults can grow together with the child.
Do we need to discuss everything? Shouldn’t adults sometimes simply insist?
Yes, there are situations where the adult must make the decision immediately – in situations involving danger or urgency, for example.
But what matters is how this is done.
Instead of:
“Because I said so.”
Try:
“I’m deciding this now because it’s important for safety/time.”
If the child is usually listened to, they will find it easier to accept such decisions without resistance.
When such situations are not constant, they do not destroy agency – they provide it with clear boundaries.
